Families are amusing when they are not yours! Recently, I was in a small-enclosed area minding my own business, I became conscious of this rather boisterous group of people. As I quietly let myself observe, I noticed that this group of six included a mother, father, two adult sons, an adult daughter her boyfriend, husband or significant male companion and another adult woman who seemed to be attached to one of the adult sons. I could not help but overhear parts of their conversation as they discussed various trips they had taken and their outdoor activities. However, when I heard the impeccably overdressed mother mention in a quiet gossipy voice, “She has been seeing this therapist,” I began to try to overhear their conversation. The mother rambled on for quite a bit, remember now that she was speaking to an almost entire male group, who really appeared to have no interest in her gossip but she continued to talk about this other person non present as if she was the most interesting person in the world. She went on at length to disclose the problems this woman had, how she was never happy and now multiple medical issues were preoccupying her every moment of her daily life. “It seems that all she wants is attention, attention, attention,” she ended. In addition, this ghost person was taking medications that did not seem to be helping. The best that I could figure by listening in is that she was talking about one of her adult son’s ex-wives or current wife that was not present. No one engaged this mother. No one asked a question or expressed interest in her gossip. One of the adult males moved the conversation to an accident that one of his friends had on an ATV. From there, the adult father began to tell stories of his earlier risky adventures, skiing, diving, and especially treacherous ATV rides he had taken. I almost lost interest in their conversation only to have the mother say at the end of her husband’s diatribe, “Oh, but he just can’t help himself.”
Now, I was irritated. The family, whom I will refer to as the Weedy family because they will be more interesting to you if they have a name and think about the metaphor of weeds. Weeds grow in some of the most beautiful spots, drawing attention away from the gorgeous flowers or perfect tomatoes to themselves. They take over territory very quickly. Sometimes, it seems that you were just enjoying the aroma of the morning roses and then without even asking, a weed calls your attention over to it, as if saying, “Hey you, look at me.” At first, your impulse is to pull it, but then you recognize it has a right to be there too, so you just examine it. What type of weed is it? Will it take over the rose bush? On the other hand, will it just mind its own business and keep to itself? However, as you analyze what the weed is doing in the midst of the beautiful rose garden you have allowed your attention to move toward the problem rather than on enjoying the diversity of the individual roses. I noticed that I too quickly wanted to identify Mother Weed as the identified patient. I was allowing this complete stranger to irritate me. I then attempted to tune them out and focus my attention back to my table. However, the Weed family persisted in their non-restaurant voices to pull me back in time after time. again. It became clear this family was on vacation together and I also discovered that they have traveled to many exotic locations because the father finally shared his frustration over what a nightmare this vacation had been. It seems that the adult children weeds could not get their act together. Dad Weed had appointed himself travel director, made and paid for all of the arrangements of the various family members. In his frustration, he shouted, “Next year we will choose the place and you all decide how you are going to get there.” The adult daughter weed, said, “Oh, so does that mean you are not paying for it?” “No,” Dad Weed said. “I just want you to make your own arrangements rather than me.” Mother Weed piped in, “And if we decide to take a cruise you must arrive the day before.” Other conversation about travel arrangements went on as they threw snipes and digs at each other. I was ready to go over and offer them my card, and say something like, “I can help you guys figure this out and my fee is only a drop in the bucket to the money that is flowing here at this table. I will even come along and be your own private family psychologist.” Clearly, the Weeds were out of hand and multiplying rapidly throughout this small grill area. I noticed, I was not the only one noticing. The Weeds were clearly suffocating all of us.
Then Mother Weed switched the conversation to the arrangements for the following morning. She went into detail about what time everyone was to be in the lobby, and that they were to packed completely with their suitcases ready before arriving in the lobby. I didn’t really notice how controlling she was being until her adult daughter said in disgust, “Give it a break, Mother. We know how to pack and to have our suitcases ready if we are checking out.” Things became deafening silent. Then Dad Weed said, “It is time for our dinner reservations.” The Weed Family stumbled off from the little grill area to grace the fancy restaurant with their ongoing family dysfunction. I was sure glad I did not have dinner reservations at their restaurant.
There are many lessons to learn from this one time encounter. The amusement for me is that which seems to keep me engaged in loving my profession, the family dynamics. In the Weed family, the dynamics were obvious, I imagine even to an untrained observer. However, just because the dynamics were obvious did not make the dynamics simple. There are many underlying themes going on in this complex family that felt invisible enough to have their dysfunction be so public. They were the only ones that did not notice how obnoxious they sounded. They were especially amusing to me because it was like watching a training tape at a conference with no pressure to intervene, but just wonder about which style of intervention would be the most fun with this family. When I have a family and I am quick to identify the “identified patient,” I can almost count on the fact that I have some counter-transference issue. That means, there is something about one of the family members that is bringing up my own stuff. What was it about Mother Weed that made me want to go over and say something like her daughter said, “Give it a break?”
What I have learned through my years of professional training is that Mother Weed, was coping in mal-adaptive ways because she was not feeling heard, respected, or important. She side swiped dad with her comment, “He can’t help himself,” when he hijacked his son’s conversation about his hurt friend and turned the attention to him. She did this to get back at everyone for not supporting her gossipy voice about the ghost-woman who was seeing a therapist. The family had learned to tune mom out many years ago. The Weed family was like watching tiny solar system’s attempt to keep from falling out of the sky by maintaining just enough friction to keep them moving forward without collapsing or imploding.
The adult Weed Sons were invisible. They were along for the ride enjoying what they could get but offering nothing back. Let’s face it, if Dad Weed is the center of the Universe, then there is nothing Dad needs or even wants from them. They can never add up therefore just line-up and follow along. Because of their damaged inner children, it is impossible for them to see how damaged Dad Weed’s inner child is. Dad Weed all but begged in a fairly sad way for the adult Weed Children to grow up and get their act together, by yelling, “Please don’t make me have to work so hard to give you the things I feel good about giving you.” All the adult Weed Children could hear was the echo of past statements, “Do it right. “ “Get it together.” “You are not grateful enough.” Thus, when Dad takes a breath, Mother Weed jumps in to tell the adult Weed Children how to do it right. Adult Daughter Weed finally has enough and shuts the entire family down by taking on Mother Weed with her hostile statement, “GIVE IT A BREAK…” This is a clue to the therapist of who has the most power in this family. Yikes, what will it be like to be her partner? But then again, from an empathic position, from which wound was the daughter protesting?
This entire family had a theme of invisibility going on and part of my job would be in helping each one look around their environment and see the roses amidst them, not the Weeds that suffocating them to death. And yes, I could write a complete chapter in a family systems book on how to treat the Weed family, but I hope you have found this snippet amusing, especially since there is nothing in it that remotely sounds like your family!
