Communicating about the Big “C”

Developing Resources and Skills To

Help You and Your Companion Person

Communicate About Your Cancer

An Overview of a Workshop by Dr. Dilley

Cancer defines some things about us. But it does not define us. I am not a cancer patient or survivor, I am a person with cancer and who has survived cancer for 10 years. Why does cancer rock our world more so than some other diseases? Silence, fear, anxiety, depression, and shame, and what I call "THE GREAT UNKNOWN" all impact our experience of living with cancer.

What is cancer? Cancer is abnormal cell growth, stuck in the “on” position. It is the generic name for over 100 diseases that share similar characteristics of malignant cells. A malignant cell is a cell that has lost its mind and is sucking the life out of other cells to survive. 10 Million people survive the malignancy every year. So what is the problem? The problem is that the “cell” is out of control. It must be killed. It will not stop on its own. Thus, the wonders of chemotherapy. Then radiation to “make sure”. But the real problem is the fear it creates within us and between us. Thus we have to talk about it.

So how do we talk about it? The “C” Word ignites our innate Defense Mechanisms of survival. Thus, whatever stressors we have in our lives and our relationships become magnified with that sentence that each of us have heard come out of our doctor’s mouth, “I am sorry, but you have cancer.”Remember that day? I bet you remember every detail of that moment. You knew it was coming. You knew that when you saw your oncologist after surgery, that he/she would have your path report. You were already feeling shaky, scared, and lost, then those words fall out of his/her mouth and your world is turned upside down. Life as you have known it, has come to an end. Who do you tell? What do you tell them?

What are some safe ways to talk about the big "C"?

• Journal what you want to say, then edit it.
• Write a letter to your companion.
• Ask someone else for help to express what you need to say.
• Tell your companion, I want to talk, but I am not sure how to say the things I need to say. I need you just to listen and not comment. Then, after you think about it, we can talk. I just don’t know how to do this. So I am going to do my best.

What are some questions to ask when your partner has cancer?

1. What is the hardest part for you right now?
2. What does this treatment do to me/you?
3. What do you need from me right now?
4. Can you share with me what is going on in your head right now?
5. How are you feeling about what is happening?
6. I hear you are sad about losing your hair. Can you tell me about it?
7. I hear you are angry that this is happening to you. I know you are. I am angry too. It should not be happening, but it is. I am not afraid of your anger. You can share it with me.
8. “What can I do to make you more comfortable?” Notice how different that question is rather than, “Can I do anything to make you more comfortable?”
9. I would like to go in with you to see the doctor. Four ears are better than two. Would you like for me to go in with you?
10. I don’t know what you are feeling right now. I do care. Can you talk to me about what you are thinking or feeling?

Things to remember:

• Cancer does not define us
• Cancer gives us many opportunities to change
• While wrestling with this disease, it will be best if we communicate to our companion the things we want, need, wish, desire, and feel.
• Words do not have to be so scary.
• What's the goal? There are many goals in this race against time, however, there is only one goal that both of you have control over. That is this goal: Live the Best Life Possible in the Time You Have.

Live the Best Life Possible in the Time You Have.

JUST BREATHE

"Our breath is the bridge from our body to our mind." Thich Nhat Hahn.

Breathing, the simple act of inhaling and exhaling, focusing on our breath, the speed of our breath, slowing it down, warming it up, letting it make a sound as it comes out of us is a key to learning to reconnect with ourselves, other's, and our God.

Standing and watching is another way of reconnecting to ourselves, other's and God. Give yourself permission to go on a mission of watching. Watch for five minutes your backyard or patio area. See what you are missing. Explore with your eyes the movement, color changes, insects, birds, rabbits, hawks, and the nothing that becomes something as you watch with the intent of seeing.

Sitting and Moving is another way to connect with yourself and your senses. Sit and inhale, with the intention of smelling. Inhale the aroma of vanilla; change it to baked apple pie, to fried chicken, and now to the soft scent of gardenias. Stretch your legs out as far as you can. Imagine that you are in a swing like a child and touch the sky with your toes. Crunch up your face into the ugliest face you can imagine, relax it slowly and notice what you experience. Pretend your abs are a six-pack. Flex your muscle. Tighten your whole body and relax it slowly. See your really can sit and move with intention all at one time.

Touch and Explore is another way of connecting with what you already know. Now you can know in a different way. Walk through your home and choose at random five objects. Don't think about it-just do it! Take those objects to a comfortable location; get your crayons from the above exercise and paper. Close your eyes and spend at least three minutes touching one of the objects. Notice the texture, feel, warmth or coolness; what does it remind you of? Touch every inch of the object and explore it as if it is the most precious jewel you have ever picked up. Now with your eyes still closed pick a few crayons and color the object. Repeat this exercise with all five objects.

Now you are learning the real art of mindfulness.
"The point?" You ask. "The point?" I answer.

Dr. Dilley's Clinical Practice

In her private practice, Dr. Dilley offers various types of services that include individual psychotherapy, family therapy, couples therapy, and group therapy. She also provides psychological testing, using one of the most innovative testing protocols available, the Millon Multiaxial Clinical Inventories. Her goal is to provide you with the best comprehensive psychotherapy services available, either within her office or by referral.

• Individual Psychotherapy is an individualized process geared to facilitate a journey of personal growth examining how the messages (beliefs about the self), patterns (ways of coping), and behaviors (ways of adapting) keep you repeating unwanted cycles in your current life's situations.
• Family Therapy is a process that involves as many family members that you can dig up to come along into the office and process the family genogram together. More often than not, a child or an adolescent is "chosen" by the unconscious family process to develop symptoms of behavior that are not acceptable in their family system. As a result, the family attempts to get a therapist to see only the identified patient and fix them. Family Therapy at its best is done with a co-therapist. The two therapists work hard at helping family members explore what really is going on underneath the chaos being caused by the identified patient.
• Couples Therapy is only for the brave and courageous. Couples therapy is not designed for people who just want to change the other partner. Couples work is the hardest work of psychotherapy and truly only the fittest survive.
• Group Therapy offers several different venues such as self-esteem, women's issues, couples work, anger management, and psycho-educational groups. Dr. Dilley often runs an intensive psychotherapy group designed to do serious psychotherapy work on the most difficult issues and problems. Call her office to check on availability of that group.
• The Millon Inventories is a unique psychological testing tool that helps Dr. Dilley look at your psychological patterns. All of us score something on any psychological test we take. What makes the Millon different is that it is not interested in pathologizing people into name-calling diagnosis, but informing people about how they operate in life, based on their top three scores. By understanding the triangle of power in one's life, then one can begin to make necessary changes.
• Consulting and Coaching are aspects of Dr. Dilley's practice where she comes to you and does a complete assessment of what your needs are and offers constructive techniques and ideas that will help you resolve some of your difficulties in workplace settings, educational venues, or other troublesome spots creating havoc in your daily life.
• Workshops on spirituality, psychotherapy, and the power of story are also available throughout the year.
• If you are interested in Dr. Dilley coming to your group and conducting a workshop to meet the specific needs of your group, please give her a call at 602-564-1919.
• Dr. Dilley is also available for phone sessions and on-line through SKYPE.

Introduction to the Impact of Shame

For a free download with a checklist that you can use as a self reflective journal, please use the link below. As a psychologist, I encourage individuals to write in order to explore changes in your thinking, behavior, feelings and physical well being. When experiencing changes in thinking, feeling, behavior, or physical well being shame is probably not far from the perimeter. I am working on a complete workbook on shame, but while that is in process, I thought you might enjoy a peak into yourself to begin your own exploration how shame may be invading your life, consciousness, and unconsciousness without you even knowing. I have included several lists for you to consider. Take your time and actually allow yourself to use these questions as a helpful way to get to know yourself. You could possibly call it a journal spa-day. As you allow yourself time to spend with yourself you may discover that you have had most of these changes going on for so long that you don?t even remember when they started. But, while you are exploring these questions and writing down what comes up for you as you embrace the question, you may find it helpful to search back through your memory of when you first started to feel this way.

http://www.psychotherapyunlimited.com/Images/Dilley_Download.pdf

Copies of my workbooks can be purchased from my website: www.psychotherapyunlimited.com

Fall Schedule of Groups & Workshops

EIGHT week Psychotherapy Groups

Facilitated by Dr. Dilley
BOTH Groups held at Dr. Dilley's Office

3520 W. Danbury, Glendale, AZ 85380

Spirituality as A Way of Life

September 16, 2009 thru November 4, 2009

10:30 a.m. - 12:00 p.m.

This group will be a process group facilitating your questions, concerns, reflections, and choices that impact your belief system about God or your higher power. We will look at the many symbols and avenues for exploration and each participant is free to enter into new meanings, awareness, and change as each participant comes to further understand their own needs, wants, and desires about this whole issue that we keep referring to as spirituality.

COST: $275.00 for ALL eight weeks with early registration NOW!

What is it I want and how do I get there?

September 16, 2009 - November 4, 2009

5:30 - 7:00 P.M.

This group will help you take a look at your dreams, ambitions, desires and figure out what is blocking your progress in obtaining them, whether it be anxiety, depression, or that old victim mentality that keeps you hostage. Come prepared to do experiential process work to take a look at how you are stuck and how to become mobilized out of past trauma, pain, or disappointment.

COST: $295.00 for ALL eight weeks with early registration NOW!

WORKSHOP
Making New Decisions out of Old Choices

October 24, 2009

9:00-12:30

The Franciscan Renewal Center

This is a combination workshop combining the two previous workshops Getting to Your YES and Living Your Life as an Experiment. This 9:00 -12:30 workshop is designed to help the participant let go of choices they regret and re-decide their YES by experimenting with out of the box thinking, actions, and beliefs. It will be a great morning and well worth your investment of time and money.

The workshop is being held at one of my favorite spaces, The Franciscan Renewal Center.
If you sign up now the cost is $69.00.

It will go up to $99.00 soon, so take advantage of this deal now!

My Philosophy of Psychotherapy

By Dr. Robin B. Dilley

Arizona Licensed Psychologist

602-564-1919

Your choice to enter psychotherapy is a decision you make because you want something different to happen in your life that will help you better understand your life’s journey and make your days ahead more enjoyable. Your decision is an opportunity you give yourself to grow emotionally and spiritually. I take your decision to enter psychotherapy seriously. I need you to take your decision seriously as well. I need you to focus on change, work between sessions, and wrestle with yourself in ways that will assist you in making your life different.
I am a licensed psychologist with a varied eclectic background. I have training in many areas of psychotherapy and try to match the approach necessary to the client. However, I do approach each client from a systemic perspective, believing in the system and not in only the individual. I believe each of us act, react, and recreate our past behavior until we find new ways of being, thinking, and doing. I believe this change is more than just a cognitive accent to change, but must be experienced as healing insight which promotes change from within. Psychotherapy is a process and it takes as long as it takes. You are the expert on that, and you will be deciding when you have reached a point that you want to take a break.My job is to be a mirror of reflection for you, asking you questions, challenging you to get out of your box, and assisting you with ways to look inside and create the life you want to have. I will help you unravel stories from your childhood and create a new tapestry from the threads you discover in psychotherapy. By beginning this process, you will begin to understand your situation in the light of your past, thus pushing through to that healing place that is within you.
As with any new journey, change can be and usually is scary. It will take some time to feel emotionally safe. Questions about the map and the territory will arise. I will be happy to discuss any questions with you during your session in order to help you understand the process of psychotherapy. Psychotherapy is different than guidance counseling. I believe the answers are within you, and you will discover them as part of the process. Most of the time, I will answer your questions with another question. This can be frustrating, but necessary for you to take ownership of your life and your choices.
I act as your validating guide, affirming your process, letting you go at your own pace and explore your options. This journey takes courage and a deep commitment to change. Be proud of yourself for making this commitment.

May the journey between us be one

that brings forth hope, healing, and a sense of well being.

Sincerely,
Dr. Robin B. Dilley