EXPERIENCE THE LABYRINTH

>AS A TOOL FOR SELF-EXLORATION OF BODY, MIND, SPIRIT
Saturday October 15, 2011
9:00 a.m.-1:00 p.m.
Trinity Cathedral 100 W. Roosevelt Phoenix, AZ.
Cost: $65.00
Limited to 30 Participants

The characters in the Wizard of Oz, the Scarecrow, the Lion, and the Tin Man will be our guides for the day. What makes us feel afraid, stupid, and un-loveable?

The labyrinth is a powerful tool for healing in so many ways. Its rich history and bountiful symbolism brings to us so many opportunities to present our self for healing. It allows us to come as we are with whatever hurts and seek comfort and care from the center of its being.

This Saturday morning we will be exploring the symbolism of the labyrinth and using tools of self-discovery such as journaling, music, and art to explore our inner most need. During our time together, you will have an opportunity to present that need to the mystery of the Labyrinth and come away with a renewed sense of hope.

To register go to www.psychotherapyunlimited.com and click on workshops. Follow the prompts. Or email drdilley@psychotherapyunlimited.com or Call Dr. Dilley at 602-564-1919 for more information.

Amusing Family

Families are amusing when they are not yours! Recently, I was in a small-enclosed area minding my own business, I became conscious of this rather boisterous group of people. As I quietly let myself observe, I noticed that this group of six included a mother, father, two adult sons, an adult daughter her boyfriend, husband or significant male companion and another adult woman who seemed to be attached to one of the adult sons. I could not help but overhear parts of their conversation as they discussed various trips they had taken and their outdoor activities. However, when I heard the impeccably overdressed mother mention in a quiet gossipy voice, “She has been seeing this therapist,” I began to try to overhear their conversation. The mother rambled on for quite a bit, remember now that she was speaking to an almost entire male group, who really appeared to have no interest in her gossip but she continued to talk about this other person non present as if she was the most interesting person in the world. She went on at length to disclose the problems this woman had, how she was never happy and now multiple medical issues were preoccupying her every moment of her daily life. “It seems that all she wants is attention, attention, attention,” she ended. In addition, this ghost person was taking medications that did not seem to be helping. The best that I could figure by listening in is that she was talking about one of her adult son’s ex-wives or current wife that was not present. No one engaged this mother. No one asked a question or expressed interest in her gossip. One of the adult males moved the conversation to an accident that one of his friends had on an ATV. From there, the adult father began to tell stories of his earlier risky adventures, skiing, diving, and especially treacherous ATV rides he had taken. I almost lost interest in their conversation only to have the mother say at the end of her husband’s diatribe, “Oh, but he just can’t help himself.”
Now, I was irritated. The family, whom I will refer to as the Weedy family because they will be more interesting to you if they have a name and think about the metaphor of weeds. Weeds grow in some of the most beautiful spots, drawing attention away from the gorgeous flowers or perfect tomatoes to themselves. They take over territory very quickly. Sometimes, it seems that you were just enjoying the aroma of the morning roses and then without even asking, a weed calls your attention over to it, as if saying, “Hey you, look at me.” At first, your impulse is to pull it, but then you recognize it has a right to be there too, so you just examine it. What type of weed is it? Will it take over the rose bush? On the other hand, will it just mind its own business and keep to itself? However, as you analyze what the weed is doing in the midst of the beautiful rose garden you have allowed your attention to move toward the problem rather than on enjoying the diversity of the individual roses. I noticed that I too quickly wanted to identify Mother Weed as the identified patient. I was allowing this complete stranger to irritate me. I then attempted to tune them out and focus my attention back to my table. However, the Weed family persisted in their non-restaurant voices to pull me back in time after time. again. It became clear this family was on vacation together and I also discovered that they have traveled to many exotic locations because the father finally shared his frustration over what a nightmare this vacation had been. It seems that the adult children weeds could not get their act together. Dad Weed had appointed himself travel director, made and paid for all of the arrangements of the various family members. In his frustration, he shouted, “Next year we will choose the place and you all decide how you are going to get there.” The adult daughter weed, said, “Oh, so does that mean you are not paying for it?” “No,” Dad Weed said. “I just want you to make your own arrangements rather than me.” Mother Weed piped in, “And if we decide to take a cruise you must arrive the day before.” Other conversation about travel arrangements went on as they threw snipes and digs at each other. I was ready to go over and offer them my card, and say something like, “I can help you guys figure this out and my fee is only a drop in the bucket to the money that is flowing here at this table. I will even come along and be your own private family psychologist.” Clearly, the Weeds were out of hand and multiplying rapidly throughout this small grill area. I noticed, I was not the only one noticing. The Weeds were clearly suffocating all of us.
Then Mother Weed switched the conversation to the arrangements for the following morning. She went into detail about what time everyone was to be in the lobby, and that they were to packed completely with their suitcases ready before arriving in the lobby. I didn’t really notice how controlling she was being until her adult daughter said in disgust, “Give it a break, Mother. We know how to pack and to have our suitcases ready if we are checking out.” Things became deafening silent. Then Dad Weed said, “It is time for our dinner reservations.” The Weed Family stumbled off from the little grill area to grace the fancy restaurant with their ongoing family dysfunction. I was sure glad I did not have dinner reservations at their restaurant.
There are many lessons to learn from this one time encounter. The amusement for me is that which seems to keep me engaged in loving my profession, the family dynamics. In the Weed family, the dynamics were obvious, I imagine even to an untrained observer. However, just because the dynamics were obvious did not make the dynamics simple. There are many underlying themes going on in this complex family that felt invisible enough to have their dysfunction be so public. They were the only ones that did not notice how obnoxious they sounded. They were especially amusing to me because it was like watching a training tape at a conference with no pressure to intervene, but just wonder about which style of intervention would be the most fun with this family. When I have a family and I am quick to identify the “identified patient,” I can almost count on the fact that I have some counter-transference issue. That means, there is something about one of the family members that is bringing up my own stuff. What was it about Mother Weed that made me want to go over and say something like her daughter said, “Give it a break?”

What I have learned through my years of professional training is that Mother Weed, was coping in mal-adaptive ways because she was not feeling heard, respected, or important. She side swiped dad with her comment, “He can’t help himself,” when he hijacked his son’s conversation about his hurt friend and turned the attention to him. She did this to get back at everyone for not supporting her gossipy voice about the ghost-woman who was seeing a therapist. The family had learned to tune mom out many years ago. The Weed family was like watching tiny solar system’s attempt to keep from falling out of the sky by maintaining just enough friction to keep them moving forward without collapsing or imploding.
The adult Weed Sons were invisible. They were along for the ride enjoying what they could get but offering nothing back. Let’s face it, if Dad Weed is the center of the Universe, then there is nothing Dad needs or even wants from them. They can never add up therefore just line-up and follow along. Because of their damaged inner children, it is impossible for them to see how damaged Dad Weed’s inner child is. Dad Weed all but begged in a fairly sad way for the adult Weed Children to grow up and get their act together, by yelling, “Please don’t make me have to work so hard to give you the things I feel good about giving you.” All the adult Weed Children could hear was the echo of past statements, “Do it right. “ “Get it together.” “You are not grateful enough.” Thus, when Dad takes a breath, Mother Weed jumps in to tell the adult Weed Children how to do it right. Adult Daughter Weed finally has enough and shuts the entire family down by taking on Mother Weed with her hostile statement, “GIVE IT A BREAK…” This is a clue to the therapist of who has the most power in this family. Yikes, what will it be like to be her partner? But then again, from an empathic position, from which wound was the daughter protesting?
This entire family had a theme of invisibility going on and part of my job would be in helping each one look around their environment and see the roses amidst them, not the Weeds that suffocating them to death. And yes, I could write a complete chapter in a family systems book on how to treat the Weed family, but I hope you have found this snippet amusing, especially since there is nothing in it that remotely sounds like your family!

Maximizing Emotional Connections

BETWEEN THE SPACES: Healing for Our Lives begins new series:
MAXIMIZING EMOTIONAL CONNECTION

The title, Maximizing Emotional Connection is the conference theme of this year’s Tomkins Institute of Applied Studies on Motivation, Emotion and Cognition. I believe the title is powerful and it resonates deep within my soul awakening a part of me that often falls to sleep. Emotional connection to other people is a necessary component in our daily life and at the base of our pursuit of happiness. However, I do believe it is impossible to connect to another person unless we are first connected to our own heart, soul, being. Or perhaps, better stated, we are able to connect to others only to the degree that we are connected to our self. Given that, the question becomes, how do we maximize the connection to our self?
The self is a complex being. Just think about the number of thoughts you have had since you got up this morning. If I were to ask you to list the thoughts that you have had about yourself, would there be a positive one thought in that list? Or, have all of your thoughts been critical of yourself? Self-criticism works the same with you as it does when you criticize another person. When you criticize someone else, the connection between the two of you becomes loose, like a flickering light bulb. Eventually the loose connection flickers into extinction. Criticism builds walls and hurt feelings between you and others and it does exactly the same thing with yourself.
One of the easiest ways to think about shame is what Donald Nathanson says about shame, “Shame is the interruption of positive affect.” What does that mean exactly? Here are a few examples based on today’s topic.
• You get dressed for work and actually think you are looking fairly put together but you notice that there is a very small stain above one of your buttons. What usually happens is that you focus on the small stain and forget that actually your outfit makes you look bright and cheery.
• You are at a restaurant and order something you want and enjoy eating. Your dinner companion says, “Do you know how many calories are in that?”
• You get on the treadmill and walk for 20 minutes but for the rest of the day you beat yourself up for not going at least another 10 minutes.
• You win an award at work but focus your internal dialogue that might be saying, “One day they will discover that I do not know as much as they think I know.”
• You look around a party or even that you are enjoying and then notice that you are the heaviest person in the room or that your hair is a mess.
I think you get the picture. In each of the above examples, it seems that you start off actually feeling positive and then you ruin your mood by allowing the negative interruption to take you down a road of malaise and disappointment. You have entered a shame spiral. Depending on how many other negative scenes are below today’s scene will depend on how deep into shame, depression, or anxiety you allow yourself to go.
In order to maximize a positive emotional connection to yourself you must be learn to tolerate positive thoughts about yourself. Really, positive thoughts about you are the key to traveling upwards to positive self-esteem and positive connection to yourself. When you feel admirable, about yourself, you will automatically feel great about the majority of other people and your compassion scale will increase. The goal is to increase our compassion toward ourselves in honest ways. Notice that I use the word tolerate above. The word tolerate implies that it takes patience and open-minded respect. In the field of psychology, we use the word with affect, affect tolerance. When I use that word with a client, I am asking them to build up emotional muscle to tolerate unpleasant emotions rather than becoming rageful or emotionally overwhelmed. When I am speaking about building up tolerance about yourself, I am asking you to do the same thing. Shame is a complex biology and when one is shame based positive feelings about oneself can actually produce nausea and gagging responses. On the Compass of Shame (Nathanson 1992) people have one of four reactions when experiencing shame, attack self, attack other, withdraw, or avoid. Often it is one of those compass points that interfere with our desire to become more compassionate about our self. In order to help you practice learning how to feel positive toward yourself, think about a time when you made a mistake. Notice how negative you feel about yourself in that situation. Now, imagine that the mistake was caused by someone you love and respect. Ask yourself, “Would I feel the same way about my friend?” And follow that question with, “What would I want to do or say to my friend that made the mistake?” Next, imagine doing that for yourself.
Gradually you will build your positive affect muscle and begin to feel increased joy, energy, and positive feelings about yourself and others.
The next few newsletters will be themed on Care of Self and Care of Others as I prepare for the Tomkins Institutes October Conference, Maximizing Emotional Connection in Dallas Texas. If you want to keep track of what I am doing, please go to www.tomkins.org and click on Fall Conference. I am the keynote speaker for Friday Night October 15.
Pre-Orders on my book, In a Moment’s Notice: A Psychologist’s Journey with Breast Cancer will be coming to www.psychotherapyunlimited.com soon.
Albert Schweitzer
“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. “

NEW PSYCHOTHERAPY GROP FOR YOU

PSYCHOTHERAPY GROUP FOR YOU!

Dr. Robin B. Dilley presents an eight-week group to help YOU start the New Year!

This group begins Wednesday Morning Wednesday January 13, 2010- March 3, 2010.
Time: 10:30 a.m.-12:00 p.m. at 3520 W. Danbury Dr. Glendale, Az. 85308.
Cost: $325.00
DO YOU WANT MORE OUT OF LIFE? ARE YOU SEARCHING FOR YOUR IDENTITY?

Changing your identity through the art of play and the breaking of old rules is a possibility when magic is allowed to be part of the process. Take a look at these five identifications and three recreations. Each of these categories is a personal invitation to change. Think about how busy you and uptight you are and how unfocused you have become. Have you allowed yourself to sit with those uncomfortable feelings? Or, do you try to stay in one blur of mobility in hopes of continuing to dodge your distress? Activity usually produces more activity. The question becomes, “Is your activity moving you in the direction that you want it too?” Or is your constant activity leading you into a tornado of worries and concerns dumping you into some strange land where the wicked witch of the west is tormenting you?

In order to change we must look at what our issues are. Then it is important to examine where these issues come from what it is that keeps those issues hanging around. Once you are able to clear the worries off your plate then you have mental space to look at your goals, own your strengths, examine your spirituality and count your blessings, which can be translated to resources. Once your backpack is fully packed you will have the tools to begin the job of recreating a new story about yourself, recreate new goals because you have discovered your inner magic and dive into the ecstasy of simplicity. This group is designed to facilitate 2010 becoming the year you want it to be with a jump-start toward your success.

Ø Week One: Identify Your Worries

o Learn to de-stress



Ø Week Two: Identify Your Goals

o Discover your passion



Ø Week Three: Identify Your Strengths

o You are more than you think you are



Ø Week Four: Identify Your Spirituality

o Incorporate the Divine in your daily life



Ø Week Five: Identify Your Blessings

o Many of them are hiding in reality



Ø Week Six: Recreate Your Life’s Story

o Through the lens of bold living



Ø Week Seven: Recreate Your Goals

o Refocus-Refine-Recess



Ø Week Eight: Recreate the Way You Want to Be!

o Simplicity can be ecstasy!



Go to www.psychotherapyunlimited.com to sign up for this group today!

Growth Fostering Relationships

Today, August 31, 2009 I was reading my old BETWEEN THE SPACES article on the death of JFK Jr.. I reread it because I am searching for what I will write about the death of Edward Kennedy. While I was rereading it , I scrolled down and found my summary of a presentation that I did at the July 23, 1999 CAMFT. Below is what I wrote. I thought you might enjoy this in my blog until I finish my piece on the Edward Kennedy.
On Friday, July 23, 1999 I presented at the California Marriage and Family Therapy Conference on Spirituality and Family Therapy. I viewed the topic from a feminist perspective and how shame keeps women disenfranchised from being all that they can be, especially in their families.

Highlights from my experiential workshop:

1. Spirituality is the intentional, accountable process of making choices... (Since God created us as people capable of free will).

2. Jean-Baker Miller from the Stone Center in Boston states that a growth-fostering relationship consists of five necessary dynamics:

a.) Each person feels a greater sense of "zest" (vitality-energy).
b.) Each person feels more able to act and does act.
c.) Each person has a more accurate picture of herself/himself and the other person/s.
d.) Each person feels a greater sense of worth.
e.) Each person feels more connected with other people beyond those in the specific relationship. The above five dynamics should be central to all couples counseling.

3. Nathonson in Shame and Pride states that there are eight natural stages of development. When any one or all of those stages are interrupted by shame, our growth becomes impeded. Number three of those eight stages is, Dependence vs. Independence. During my didactic on Friday, I only talked about Dependence vs. Independence from a feminist point of view. I quoted Carter Heyward from Touching Our Strength that the goal of feminist family therapy is not to seek Independence, "but rather that all us should live well with others. We can help each other by living well together."

From my perspective based on what I see in my office, women have been greatly shamed for attempting to have a voice. To be a part of a coupleship the above three highlights must be addressed. The goal of couples counseling is to help each part of the coupleship to seek accountability and choice making that creates growth-fostering relationships, creating a safe balance between dependence and independence.
the above three points. In order to do so, shame must be healed inside of each part of the coupleship. That in a nutshell was my 90-minute presentation.

SPIRITUALITY :A PATH TO WELLNESS

BETWEEN THE SPACES AND
YOUR FAMILY WELLNESS CENTER KICKS OFF
THE FIRST GROUP AT THE NEW WELLNESS CENTER
Spirituality: A Path to Wellness
Facilitated by Dr. Robin B. Dilley

"Spirituality," is an interesting word that often brings up a diverse set of emotions, images, and feelings. Sometimes our lack of understanding or fear of exploration blocks us from growing in our life in ways that can create a more positive perspective about who we are and why we are here. It is Dr. Dilley's and the Your Family Wellness Center's mission to create a safe place to explore all issues relating to health and wholeness. We are looking forward to providing a spiritual component that will be life enhancing and changing and hope that you will consider this first group offering.

WHEN: Wednesday Mornings
September 16, 2009 thru November 11, 2009

TIME: 10:30 a.m. - 12:00 p.m.

COST: $325.00 for ALL eight sessions pre-paid in advance
($45 paid session by session with an 8 week commitment)

15% discount to Wellness patients $275 for ALL eight sessions

Eight weeks of personal spiritual exploration addressing some but not limited to the following:

Exploring studies on prayer, guided imagery, mindfulness and healing to be better understand how you might benefit a better quality of life and health by useful practice of generations of techniques that have benefited others.

This group will be a process group facilitating your questions, concerns, reflections, and choices that influence your belief system about God using symbols and metaphors as avenues to bring meaning to this word Spirituality.


To Sign Up or Questions: Please email drdilley@psychotherapyunlimited.com or call her at 60... .
Do this today. Only 10 spots left and Registration closes for this discounted fee September 10th, 2009

New Group Starting

What is it I want and how do I get there? This group will help you take a look at your dreams, ambitions, desires and figure out what is blocking your progress in obtaining them, whether it be anxiety, depression, or that old victim mentality that keeps you hostage. Come prepared to do experiential process work to take a look at how you are stuck and how to become mobilized out of past trauma, pain, or disappointment.
WHEN: September 16, 2009 thru November 11, 2009

TIME: 5:30 p.m. - 7:00 p.m.

COST: $295.00 for ALL eight weeks
with early registration NOW!


Dreaming: In free association, this word brings up several associations, such as, night time dreams, daydreaming, foolish, fantasy, likes, wishes, wants, desires and a myriad of other possibilities. What words come to your mind? In this, short point of view , I am speaking of dreaming as those heart desires that have floated in and out of your consciousness on a fairly regular basis throughout all the years of your life. What happened to them? Where did they go? Are you living them?
Living our dreams and getting more out of our daily life is the focus of the Wednesday Evening Group that starts on September 16th followed by Wednesday the 23,30;October 7, 21,28 and November 4,11. Eight fabulous nights spent working on you, your dreams, and releasing the old belief systems that keep you locked into old systems of negativity, deprivation, and your addiction to unhappiness. You are not bad for having those negative, deprived, addictive thoughts and behaviors. You have accumulated them over your life time through events and circumstances that have warped your view of your life. It is a common thing that happens to all of us. We live in a fantasy society that says you can have everything you want when you want it. If you don’t have it, then there is something wrong with you! That simply is not true! Here are some truths we are going to be looking in the eye.
Life is hard
You Don’t Get Everything You want when you want it
You will be pushed to your limits
Nothing happens for us by sitting back and wishing

So here is the game plan:
What are your priorities?
What is important to you now?
What is it that makes those things important?
Is it important enough to die for?
No, then why is it important to you? Also, if it is not worth dying for, then what will your daily life be like if you don’t go for it?
Is it important to give up something?
No, then you are beginning to limit your options
Is it important enough to change?
No, then maybe you want to choose a different dream or work on your addiction to unhappiness. There are no wrong choices, just an awareness of the choices that you are making and how they are or are not working for you.
Now, if you have answered yes to at least two of the three above questions then you will benefit from this workshop!
Get that dream out there. What is it? What does it look like? What does it feel like? What does it smell like? What does it taste like? What texture is it? In order to create the dream into a reality we must define it as clearly as possible. It can be abstract but the abstract must look like a Picasso. It has to have some definition or we won’t be able to recognize it when we get there. Each night will close with a guided imagery for you to work with the following week.
Night One: Exploring your beliefs/thoughts.
Night Two: Recreating Messages from the past
Night Three: Staring the dragon down
Night Four: What hurts are bubbling up below your consciousness? Let’s identify them and attend to them...
Night Five: What actions are you now taking that you would not have taken before? How can you make those actions more concrete?
Night Six: Celebrate your success
Night Seven: Re-examining and Re-focusing
Night Eight: Action Plan for the next six months.

You can sign up for this group now by going to new workshops at www.psychotherapyunlimited.com . You might find the Saturday Workshop on October 24th an advantageous adjunctive tool during this eight week process. Check that out too.