Growth Fostering Relationships

Today, August 31, 2009 I was reading my old BETWEEN THE SPACES article on the death of JFK Jr.. I reread it because I am searching for what I will write about the death of Edward Kennedy. While I was rereading it , I scrolled down and found my summary of a presentation that I did at the July 23, 1999 CAMFT. Below is what I wrote. I thought you might enjoy this in my blog until I finish my piece on the Edward Kennedy.
On Friday, July 23, 1999 I presented at the California Marriage and Family Therapy Conference on Spirituality and Family Therapy. I viewed the topic from a feminist perspective and how shame keeps women disenfranchised from being all that they can be, especially in their families.

Highlights from my experiential workshop:

1. Spirituality is the intentional, accountable process of making choices... (Since God created us as people capable of free will).

2. Jean-Baker Miller from the Stone Center in Boston states that a growth-fostering relationship consists of five necessary dynamics:

a.) Each person feels a greater sense of "zest" (vitality-energy).
b.) Each person feels more able to act and does act.
c.) Each person has a more accurate picture of herself/himself and the other person/s.
d.) Each person feels a greater sense of worth.
e.) Each person feels more connected with other people beyond those in the specific relationship. The above five dynamics should be central to all couples counseling.

3. Nathonson in Shame and Pride states that there are eight natural stages of development. When any one or all of those stages are interrupted by shame, our growth becomes impeded. Number three of those eight stages is, Dependence vs. Independence. During my didactic on Friday, I only talked about Dependence vs. Independence from a feminist point of view. I quoted Carter Heyward from Touching Our Strength that the goal of feminist family therapy is not to seek Independence, "but rather that all us should live well with others. We can help each other by living well together."

From my perspective based on what I see in my office, women have been greatly shamed for attempting to have a voice. To be a part of a coupleship the above three highlights must be addressed. The goal of couples counseling is to help each part of the coupleship to seek accountability and choice making that creates growth-fostering relationships, creating a safe balance between dependence and independence.
the above three points. In order to do so, shame must be healed inside of each part of the coupleship. That in a nutshell was my 90-minute presentation.